Steve Nakamoto served over 5 years as iVillage.com’s Mr. Answer Man relationship expert where he helped women from around the world figure out the men in their love lives from an honest, male perspective. He is the Writer’s Digest Award-winning author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man, Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love, and Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Achieving Everyday Communication Success. Visit his website at SteveNakamoto.com.
Reader question: Why do men dump women after sex?
Doug and I started dating about 3 months ago and I thought I would take things slow this time, considering that once I jump into bed with a man, he mysteriously disappears. So after our 10th date, I finally gave in to my desires and we slept together.
Well, guess what?
After a couple more weeks together, he told me that he wasn’t interested anymore.
Now, what I need to know is, why do men leave once they get the “prize”? Isn’t there more to life than just sex with myriad women?
By the way, I’m in my 30s and so are most of the men I date.
Steve Nakamoto’s answer:
What you’ve done in this relationship is perfectly okay. You allowed it the time to take hold and gave it your best. It didn’t work out because it wasn’t the right match at this time. Simply raise your awareness and move forward without any negativity.
So how can you raise your awareness about dating, love, and men? Here are a few things to ponder from an honest male perspective:
1- Reduce the time factor from your equation: The key is to make an emotional connection as quickly as possible. If that connection is not made in a short time, then any additional time only adds to the doubt, not the conviction.
2- The emotional connection must precede the sex: In other words, sex without a connection creates emotional awkwardness. So in your case, if the connection wasn’t strong enough, then the sex did not bring any more certainty to him. In this case, the sex was not a “prize” to him. It was more of a last hope for impact.
3- Men leave when it doesn’t feel right: A man has a lot of reasons for moving on. Some have nothing to do with you directly (commitment issues, emotional attachments to other women, personal quirks, age-immaturity, financial fears, guilt, unfair comparisons, etc.).
4- In my book, Men Are Like Fish, I state an American proverb that reads: A man chases a woman until she catches him. The point that I make is that love works best when it is the woman who has the upper hand and not the man. When the man has the upper hand, he goes for quantity until he meets his match. That match is the woman who is more than his equal in many ways. It’s the woman that he has to prove himself to in order to get her attention and love.
5- Always keep in mind that what a good man really wants is a woman who is a consistent source of joy. Based on this principle, you’ve either not picked a good man or you haven’t been a consistent source of joy. The silent killer of joy is negativity. And negativity comes disguised in worry, fear, doubt, envy, jealousy, judgment, control, insecurity, etc. There’s a whole personal development lesson on this stuff, but for now just focus on who you are being on a daily basis.
And lastly, remember that the only people who lose at love are those who give up or quit too soon. Those who succeed stay true to the desire deep within their heart and enjoy the journey.
Good luck and be a source of joy.