Five Things Men Secretly Want In Bed But Are Too Afraid To Ask For

A couple of days ago I wrote about five things that women secretly want in bed but are too afraid to ask for, so I thought it would only be fair to write an edition for men.

My research for this article was a little more thorough (if just as unscientific), mostly because, as a woman, I have much less intuition about what men want. So I checked in with some of my gentlemen friends (and some of my gentlemen “friends”) and this is what I came up with.

Whereas the women’s list was mostly comprised of things we’re afraid of being considered unladylike for wanting, the following five things are on this list mostly because guys are afraid we’re going to say no. They don’t really care if we judge them for it, but they certainly care if asking for something risqué in bed is going to jeopardize their chance of getting laid.

What Men Really Want In Bed

So what do guys secretly want in bed but are too afraid to ask for?

Filming It.

What surprised me about women was how many of them liked really rough sex. What surprised me about men was how many of them are secretly exhibitionists. Maybe this relates back to the power of visual stimulation for men, but the idea of being filmed, and the knowledge that they can later go back and watch themselves fucking, was an incredible turn on for most guys that I talked to. This is hard to ask a woman to participate in because it creates lasting proof of sex, and given how easily videos are copied and distributed, the idea of having that proof exist makes most girls (and some more responsible guys) uncomfortable. Break the ice by mounting a mirror by the bed, and indulging in some non-permanent visual stimulation. If the girl is into it too, you can eventually suggest a camera to capture the action from a different angle. Just make sure you give her total control and ownership of the video.

Filming it. With Consent.

Screaming Girls & Dirty Talk.

Almost every single guy I talked to said he wanted girls to be more vocal in bed. The requests ranged from telling them when you’re about to come, to giving a little guidance on where things are, to wanting uninhibited screaming. The consensus is that girls aren’t vocal enough in bed, and guys don’t know how to tell them to open their mouths and let loose. On the other hand, some guys wanted to be the ones to talk, but were nervous that what they really wanted to say might be offensive. My suggestion would be to slowly integrate some more acceptable dirty talk, to set the tone, and then offhandedly mention that if anything “more colorful” were to slip out, it would just be in the heat of the moment and not a reflection of the fact that you actually think she’s your dirty little whore. And if you want the girl to do the talking, just tell her how much being vocal really turns you on and helps you out.

A Bit of Assplay.

This is the most controversial one, and possibly the thing guys are the least likely to ask for. Anything having to do with a guy’s ass has been so “homosexualized” that even guys that are not homophobic at all are loath to ask for anything involving their own asses, lest the girl begin questioning their sexuality. But think about it, why do gay guys have anal sex? Probably because it feels good. That area is a clusterfuck of nerve endings, of course it feels amazing when it’s stimulated. And why should straight and gay guys be any different, physiologically? What feels good for a gay guy probably feels pretty good for a straight guy, too. Now I’m not saying this so that girls run out and buy strap-ons to peg their boyfriends with.  But ladies, if you’re curious about whether your guy might like a bit of assplay, maybe a wandering finger and a bit of pressure could start the conversation next time you’re going down on him. And for the guys who want it but don’t know how to raise the question, next time she’s getting you started with a hand job, slowly guide her hand a little further south and say, “I really love it when you rub right there.”

A Bit of Spanking.

Personally, I’m a fan of spanking more for the mood that it sets than for the actual physical sensation, although I’ll concede that it isn’t unpleasant. But there are people, women and men alike, who are very aroused by being spanked, and like to make it part of their regular routine. The problem is that spanking puts the spankee in a more dominated position, a position that (most) men generally don’t like to be in. But spanking doesn’t have to be about being completely dominated, it can be just about the physical pleasure of having your ass slapped. If she likes being spanked, ask her to maybe try it on you. If neither of you have tried it before, next time you’re doing it missionary-style and her hands are grabbing you, pushing you to thrust in harder, you could take her hand, guide to where you want to be spanked, and do it yourself, using her hand. Unless she’s a blowup doll, she should get the hint.

Spankings for Spankees

Anal.

I thought this was something that, as a guy, if you’d done it, you loved it, and if you hadn’t you definitely wanted to try it. No exceptions. Apparently there are a lot of exceptions. Plenty of guys who have tried it weren’t impressed, and have no intention of doing it again, and plenty of guys who have never tried it are in no rush to change that. But, there are of course those who have done it and want to do it again, and those who haven’t done it and desperately want to see what it’s like. One guy I talked to suggested teasing the area a bit (you could accidentally slip out and then play around there for a bit) as a way to raise the issue, and then later ask the lady if she thought it might be fun to try next time. As I warned in the last article though, this isn’t really something to try spontaneously. It’s best to plan ahead and prepare with a shower and more lube than you think you’ll need.

***

And this, my friends, is what I learned from all the gentlemen who were generous enough to reveal their inner sex-monologue so that I might share it and take some of away the mystery around the more unconventional things that men secretly want.

Again, not all men want all of these things. So ladies, before you break out the paddles and go putting your fingers in new places just because you suspect he might like it but hasn’t mentioned it yet, ask, or start out gently and slowly, so that you don’t freak them out. And gentlemen, the same goes for sticking it up the butt or screaming out “dirty whore!” as you’re about to come. And definitely never film her without her explicit knowledge and permission.

Moderation—at least when introducing something new (later on you can obviously set your own limits)—is key.

But if you ask and she’s okay with it? Spank, scream, and film away, you kinky, kinky fiends.

***
Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice? Have a funny dating or sex story you’d like to see in print but are too afraid to publish yourself?

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OliviaQuiver@gmail.com

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  • Karl Incognito

    On the 5 things for guys article, I think because guys have such varied levels of confidence in bed its hard to find broad truths. Of course thats only because I know about my own level of confidence. Suffice it to say, if you are pretty confident in the sack then you aren’t really afraid to ask for what you want…just sometimes you don’t want to have to ask. Sometimes you want to be told…”Cum on my tits/ face/ ass/ mouth” is one of those phrases I REALLY want to hear but don’t want to ask for…not because I’m afraid to ask, but becuase asking you to tell me takes away from the massive ego stroke that comes from the spantaneous demand.

  • Veronique

    Olivia,
    Thank you so much for writing this article duo of what men and women secretly want in bed. I applaud your efforts in encouraging better sex. I cannot wait to read your future posts and to follow your dating stories.

  • http://www.singlesxpersonals.com amy schonell

    men will be men.

  • http://girlsfindout.com Holly Raine

    Yes all five things are true!

  • Michael

    Guy chiming in here. Goes without saying that all guys are different and any broad list isn’t going to be true for everyone. Here’s my take on the listed items:

    Filming: Not something I’d demand, but it’s interesting. I would do it. And Olivia’s completely right: the girl must have complete control of the video. Maybe this is sexist in some sense but for all practical purposes it’s true. I think a girl would be kinda stupid to trust a guy with such a video. There are droves of websites dedicated to guys uploading such videos.

    Screaming & Dirty Talk: Hell yes… to an extent. I’ll say that fake porn screaming (for me) is a HUGE turn off. If I feel like you are faking it or overacting it, then that’s really going to kill the mood and turn me off. What’s sexy about a girl talking or moaning or even screaming is when it’s expressing genuine arousal and sexual satisfaction. Us guys are turned on by you being turned on! So if you’d like to scream but are embarrassed, then do it! But don’t fake a scream or try to imitate something you saw in a porn. It needs to be as genuine as possible. But yes: genuine vocal outbursts are incredibly sexy.

    Finger up the ass: Yep, I’m one of those guys! In fact, I’ve done it to myself and must say to all guys that haven’t: get over the homo/analphobia and do it! Very enjoyable. But, um… yea, you need to take certain precautions and make sure you’re all cleaned up and, uh… emptied.

    Spanking: Yes please!

    Anal: Meh. I’d try it. If I go my life without having had my member in a girl’s pooper I won’t spill any tears over it. I actually think a finger or anilingus would be sexier – I have some desire to try these out. But not anal intercourse so much.

  • Olivia Quiver

    Thanks so much for your thoughts, Michael! This is exactly the kind of lively discussion I like to stimulate.

  • Olivia Quiver

    Something to follow up the debate: Wise Guys: Are Most Men Amenable to Anal Play? On Em&Lo

    http://www.emandlo.com/2011/06/wise-guys-are-most-men-amenable-to-anal-play

  • http://www.kickrocks.us adam smith

    I don’t really agree with any of those. I ask for all but one of those every time. Let me clarify: I don’t want to do all of that in one session, but everything I want at the moment, I open my mouth and form the words. Except for the ass bit. I am so not interested in having anything in my back door. It’s not even a question of have you tried it to know. I haven’t tried speedballing. It might be great, I’m just not interested.

  • ashley

    The turn on for most men is the fact that their partner or wife is slutty in the bedroom and this could be anything from the female dressing sexy with make up on, shoes they wear and even tights or stockings is a massive turn on.

    Then there is also fantasies, now I am not saying that men want to actually carry fantasies into reality but probably stems from filming and stimulates the mind and a lot of guys dream about their girl having sex with other men or a 3some, whether it be two girls and he or even he, another guy and his girl is more of a fantasy than most guys are willing to admit because of his partner thinking he is weird or sick.

    The truth is a guy will think most of these things while having intercoarse and this combined with the way a female smells and looks, the sex that a man feels can be very explosive.

    Guys want to feel loved too so don’t forget this and although most men have the above feelings and desires doesn’t mean that he would like to come home to his partner in bed bonking hard on someone else, mostly this is just what he will fantasise about and the fact the he is in control.

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  • http://datingbullet.com/ Dating Bullet

    Bummer. The things that I really want in bed but I’m too afraid to ask for, are not here! But this is a great post though.

  • Geena

    I had a guy that would spank me, pull my hair, and talk dirty. Needless to say, I never had to guide him where I wanted him to go, he knew my body better than I did. I also learned from him that giving him head and licking around the inside of his hip drives him crazy!!! He LOVED it. And I learned that men like for their balls to be included in the foreplay as well.

  • si

    Girls not screaming or showing pleasure , cuz men are so obssesed about sex and how they (men) love it and they always compare u with other girls as i have many girlfriends i slept with or butter then you . so that tells the woman its not worthy he can have it with someone else just do anything. beside men film record it girls DONT like that at all specially Talking with others (men ) about it. always sex is pleasure for men rather then women while women adore it but need phy psy preperation .

  • mike g

    yes- ass play

    the BEST sex encounter ive had was with an older women who unexpectedly tossed my salad! omg! that was over 10 yrs ago. she also did it well, not timid or afraid etc….

  • Jan

    Well, I’ve tried to ask my hubby what he wants and I always want something interesting as well. He never budges. What do you do with someone who is just totally vanilla?

  • jenn

    vanilla is a hard flavor to enhance. My husband is vanilla all the way and I have tried to introduce blindfolding,handcuffs etc in a very light sensual way and he freaked a bit and had me take them off quick. I felt like a dumbass… I would suggest slowly introducing new thoughts and ideas to him when you are out of the bedroom. Casual convo’s about likes and limits with him.. Good luck.

  • sandra thomas

    i have been in a 3 year relationship with my partner i have 3 children to a previous relationship,a 8mnth old to him and am 7mnths pregnant with our 2nd child,we had the best relationship ever, communication and all.he dont drink or smoke just works so every tuesday night was his night out with the boys pllaying in pool comps. just 2mnths ago he cheated i found out through a txt on his fone.i was so hurt and felt used but he said he loved me and would never do it again…. that it was his 1st mistake to give him another chance to prove his love….a month later i find a number on his fone saved to a guys name buh the rung the number and bingo, another woman he had been txtin during the day and had deleted all txts and told her not to txt after a certain time because i was jelous…what do i do give him yet another chance and hurt like hell while doing it, i was online and i meet a man testimony helping people here and there, building love that last forever for husband and wife, so i email the man Dr Omonigho and i explain every thing that happen to him, Dr Omonigho told me not to worry that he is going to help my cast a love spell and our relationship will be refresh with love that will last forever, after the love spell my husband came home and said he will never cheat on my again that he will love and cherish only me, if you need his helping hand email: omonigholovetemple@gmail.com

  • http://www.DearVagina.com/ DearVagina.com

    What a great article. It’s true how men can shy away from what they really want in bed as well as women. Communication is key.

  • jj

    My man loves watching me play with my pussy then he rub his cock on my clit b4 I give him a mindblowing bj…

  • Dennis Rainey

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