If your message sounds arrogant, you’ll seem arrogant. If your message sounds ignorant, you’ll seem ignorant. As much as girls are looking for a reason to date you, they’re also looking for a reason not to date you; eliminating you as a possibility sooner rather than later saves them the time of having to go out with you before realizing it’s not a good match.

Your first message is a modern day calling card, and you want to give her a reason to call you back.

How Not to Message a Lady

Be yourself (although not too much, if there are parts of you that come on too strong) and mention something specific about the girl you’re messaging to let her know you’ve read and engaged with her profile. Oh, and mass messages don’t work. We always know when you’re cutting and pasting something you’ve sent to a dozen other girls. Trust me, we know. Don’t bother.

I could go on and on about how to write the perfect message. But I won’t.

Not because I don’t want to, but because there is no formula—every woman is looking for something different—and each message needs to reflect your personality and what you like about the person you’re messaging.

So instead of giving you the How To, I’ll give you the How Not To.

Below are several real messages I have received over the past few months (I swear, I did not make these up) that are perfect examples of how not to message a lady.

Hopefully by process of elimination, whatever you come up with after avoiding these pitfalls will be halfway decent.

(I apologize in advance if you see your message among those, but it’s time someone told it to you straight)

How Not to Message a Lady:

The Passionately Creepy Illiterate:

“Hi there well I think ur smoking hot love to share something with u bud I don’t know if u up for that well me love to make u happy and love make love to u like never before I’m hood at what I do love to have some good time with u if that’s ok with u I will make u happy trust me when I say this to u anyway I hope u gimi a chance and i will do the thinks that ur looking for I hope u talk to me u will have a good time with me I promise u please gimi a chance? Hun u have to talk to me trust me when I say this please talk to me?”

“Gimi” is not a word. Neither is “ur” for that matter. Or “u.” Also, don’t beg for a complete stranger to trust you and give you a chance. 

The “All About Me” Mass Messager:

“Hey how are you? I’m ***. I came across your page and thought you seemed great! so what’s up? well as for me, i’m a broadcast designer/animator at ***. i’d like to talk with you sometime, so let me know if you’re interested. hope to talk to you soon. btw, let me know if you have facebook!”

Asking a complete stranger in a first message if she has facebook is just creepy and weird. There are guys I’ve slept with who I’m not facebook friends with yet because there’s so much personal information on there. What makes you think a girl is going to give you her full name after the first message you send her? Don’t even ask. It’s creepy.

­­

The Not Familiar With Spell Check Guy:

“Hi, I’m ***, I was woundering if you would like to get to know one another…”

Do you not read what you send?

The Too Lazy to Write a Whole Message:

“Hi”

or “Hi ”

or sometimes even just “:)

These mini messages are my biggest pet peeve, and, I assure you, will never get a response.

The Guy Who Gets Down to Business:

“I like Sex”

“Come over/Let’s fuck/insert any other inappropriate suggestion here.”

Please.

***

Now that we’re done wading through the verbal vomit of the dregs of OkCupid, I will give you an example of a message that I actually enjoyed reading. A rare occurrence, believe me.

Remember when I said I wasn’t going to tell you how to write the perfect message?

Well, I lied a little bit.

As opposed to most messages sent on online dating sites, the following isn’t a message whose aim is to set the stage for a possible date. But it has certain qualities that any good message should have.

How to Message a Lady:

The Articulate Engager:

“I read your article, Five More Things Guys Want In Bed But Are Too Afraid to Ask For. I have a comment regarding another reason guys like facials.

I do agree that the dominant/degrading aspect certainly plays a role. I think the same is true with the idea that guys like when a woman is so focused on their orgasm.

What about the idea that a guy feels as if he’s temporarily marking a woman as his possession after sex? It’s a physical display that the woman was just used by the guy. It doesn’t have to be just on the face. Anywhere where the guy can see it could result in the feeling.

It’s something I thought about when trying to figure out why I’m turned on sometimes by giving a facial. Yet, I do agree it still falls under the dominant category.

Oh and I love the garter belt!”

1) He acknowledges something about me—in this case an article on my column.

2) He engages with it—by agreeing with what I wrote, and then adding something of his own. Although to engage doesn’t necessarily mean to agree. He could have disagreed and still been engaged.

3) He asks a question—pretty essential, if you want a response. A question gives the other person a reason to continue the conversation.

4) He pays me a compliment, but not in a creepy off-putting way—he says, “I love the garter belt.” Not “you look so sexy in the garter belt it makes me want to do dirty things to you.”

***

Not every message you write is going to be a winner. That’s just the way things go. And to be honest, sometimes you might write the best possible message that’s just perfect in every way, but if the girl doesn’t want to have naked times with you, it’s just not going to happen.

So if you thought you wrote something amazing and she never answers, don’t fret, it probably was amazing; it’s not your message, it’s you (if that brings you any consolation).

But if your messages look anything like any of the linguistic train wrecks above, you have some work to do.

So remember, spell check, use real words and complete sentences, and send her something original and thoughtful.

Beyond that, you’re on your own.

***

Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice?

Have a funny/saucy/risqué dating or sex story you’d like to see in print but are too afraid to publish yourself?

Email me!
OliviaQuiver@gmail.com

Or follow me on Twitter!
@OliviaQuiver

But I can explain! I was fired last week. And I have come to the conclusion that one of the reasons I didn’t want a boyfriend was because I already kind of had one (not in the physical sense of course. Remember, I don’t have sex).

When one is a personal assistant (especially in Hollywood), one’s boss’s life conflates with yours. Until my former boss took his Droid away from me (I had two phones, one personal, one professional), I didn’t understand just how much that phone had become my life. That phone could ring at any time, day or night. That phone ruined a fantastic vacation. That phone interrupted more family events than I can count. And I am ecstatic that it’s gone.

But in its absence is this void, this emptiness in my life, that well…kind of reminds me of those dark, lingering weeks after my ex and I broke up.

I am fortunate enough to have never been in an abusive romantic relationship. But I can now say that I have been in an abusive professional relationship.

My former boss was not always abusive. When he was with his (now ex) girlfriend, she kept him in check. He never screamed at me or got in my face or got physical with me in any way.

Then they broke up, and shit got real. I became his girlfriend, his protector, his therapist, and his mother. Caretaking is in my blood – it’s what I do. I took care of my father, I took care of my ex, I recently took care of my grandmother, and now I was taking care of my recovering addict boss who lost the only person in his life who wasn’t using him for his money.

A part of me is jealous of my former boss. I wish I were an actual alcoholic/addict so I could join AA. Everyone I have met in AA has these shining eyes when they talk about their amazing AA community. It may be the only community in Los Angeles that truly crosses those insurmountable socio-economic and racial boundaries. My mother implores me to find my own community by joining a church or a temple but I’m just not Christian or Jewish enough for that shit.

Unfortunately, I am neither an addict, nor am I equipped to deal with how a former addict copes with a broken heart. I tried to give the kind of advice that could help him heal, but after a while, his pain became too much to bear. And yet, even as I acknowledged that his pain was not my pain, I still suffered as he suffered.

The closer I got to him, the worse the abuse became. It started with him screaming at me over the phone. Then he started screaming in my face. The mere mention of his ex’s name drove him to pound my desk with his fist so hard and fast that I had to move my broken swivel chair out of the way so that his fist wouldn’t land on my face.

My mother started to worry about me. She didn’t want me being alone in his house with him anymore. But I wanted to stay.

What the fuck would make me want to keep working for him? I tell myself it’s the money, but now that I am broke (again,) I can see it wasn’t about that.

For the first time in my life, I understand why women stay with abusive partners. Under all those layers of anger, booze, old coke, and pills there is a good person in my former boss. And while I know I was a good employee and friend to him, I still question whether he was right about me – maybe I am just all around shitty person.

And Bang! Within a week of getting sacked (as the British call it), I go on not one, but two dates (one with a doctah!). I feel freer and more open with the opposite sex then I have felt in months. I am finally ready for a new job…and a new man.

As surrogate is not a sex worker, although in California they are classed as the same. A surrogate works with a sex therapist and a client, to futher the therapy with hands-on experience. If you’d like to know more, here is a great reference.

This year in the Sundance Film Festival, a film about sexual surrogates was screened. It is called The Surrogate, and it is about Mark O’Brien, a journalist with a defunct lung who loses his virginity to a sexual surrogate.

The Surrogate

If you can’t wait to see this inspiring and fascinating film, you’re in luck, because there is an orignal production of a documentary about and starring Mark O’Brien, made by  Jessica Yu, available online, called Breathing Lessons!

Watch Beathing Lessons on Snagfilms!

Like many other men, I read some women’s profiles and just can’t quite fathom what message they intended to get across.  Your profile is your ‘life line’ to success and should be considered a work in progress until you are receiving a satisfactory number of responses or contacts.  Don’t be disheartened at any stage, and simply keep working on it until you get it right.

1.) Nondescript Language in Profile Description

The first and most common mistake I see is nondescript language in the profile description.  The issue here is that men will perceive you struggle to make decisions and worse, they could quite incorrectly see you as ‘high maintenance’.  If other males are like me they will want to make plans, perhaps take you out or talk about a common interest.  A woman that doesn’t identify her passions or the activities that excite her can appear like hard work and unappealing.  Add to this the fact that guys do like to have their own time, doing things they enjoy by themselves or with other male friends. If you give the impression you don’t have interests of your own for when he’s not around he will most likely keep searching.

It’s okay to be a little non-specific in your profile in order to attract more people but don’t be afraid to offer some detail about what you like to do.  Provide something that gives your potential dates a chance to open communication.  Giving guys a sense of what you enjoy will further encourage them to look for more detail and ask you questions.

Try to avoid language like “I have so much love to give!”  I think most males will see this as scary, and in all likelihood perceive you as desperate.  Try to focus on your own personality and interests than your desire to have a relationship.  The fact that your on a dating site is evidence enough that you are looking for a connection, don’t waste valuable profile space by rambling on about your desires.  Talk about what gets you excited and what you enjoy doing, this is far more appealing and likely to create intrigue and a hunger to find out more about you.

2.) Relationship Expectations

Another issue that I see quite regularly is women raising the idea of relationship expectations.  To most guys this is a real turn-off!  Even if a potential partner wants a serious relationship too, you may come across as a bit demanding.  Worse still, he may see you as a personality type that will be judgmental and constricting.  Guys like a bit of freedom, even in a committed relationship.  Any notion that you could potentially smother them will put them off for sure.

Don’t draw false conclusions of a connection simply because someone has messaged you.  The reality is it takes time to get to know someone and it may take weeks or months before you are both totally comfortable.  It’s the same for everyone and the best course of action is to keep things simple until you are both prepared to look at things on a more serious level.  Instead of focusing on writing about a future relationship, write about yourself and what you enjoy about life.  The rest will follow without any need to push.

3.) Unreasonable Salary Range

One thing I have started to notice more recently in looking at women’s profiles is unreasonable salary range expectations in their search criteria.  Most girls want to meet a successful guy but it doesn’t make them a perfect choice.  Apart from anything else you are really restricting your options if you judge a man by the size of his wallet.  Consider the fact that a lot of guys will think you only want them for their money.  Try not to make the mistake of compartmentalizing your options because of money.  Money may provide you with material possessions and status but it doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Over the years I have spoken with more than one male who actually downplay their true income.  The reasoning is quite simple, this course of action serves as a filter to minimize contact with women seeking richer men for the wrong reasons.  I totally understand why they do this and as long as they are happy with limiting potential contacts it’s actually not bad practice.

I realize that a successful male may appear to offer some security and this is an important aspect to keep in mind.  A stable partnership where your man doesn’t bail and leave you in debt is a perfectly reasonable thing to want.  I’m simply trying to make the point that you shouldn’t have to raise these issues in your profile.  Don’t frighten off a potential partner by looking like a “Gold Digger”.  You can investigate these concerns further into your communication with a more subtle approach and avoid the chances of missing out on meeting someone special because of money.

I hope these few key issues will help you to build a better and more productive profile.  I can’t stress enough the importance of a well-structured and informative profile.  I look forward to providing you with more advice to maximize your online dating experience in the future.

For more information on our products & services visit: Richard Connery Productions

See the preview of Richard’s latest novel at  Web Games: Hearts & Minds

I know I’m not.

But I am happy to see that Nancy Schwartzman is prepared.

Nancy Schwartzman

Schwartzman has scheduled an exciting event for Valentine’s day. On February 14, 2012, 6pm EST, Nancy Schwartzman will début her new documentary about online dating. The event will happen online, here, and the premier will be followed up by a panel about love, intimacy, sex, and the Internet from some experts and excellent bloggers.

Schwartzman’s documentary project is unique because she explores the true relationship side of online dating, rather than the much discussed cybersex aspect of dating online. She questions if love found online can really work out in real life (IRL), and she gives a real life example of a couple who met online.

Check out her trailer and get excited for Valentines Day!

xoxosms: the trailer from Nancy Schwartzman on Vimeo.

Do you have plans for Valentine’s Day? Tell Datedaily!

Where are all the sensitive men!?  According to data from Chemistry.com, the top 10 cities where you can find the most sensitive men are mainly on the east side of the states. Many are vacation spots, few have harsh winters and 2 of the cities are in Florida! If your heart has been broken, maybe it’s because you aren’t living in the right city.

1. Pompano Beach, Florida
2. Roanoke, Virginia
3. West Hollywood, California
4. Nashville, Tennessee
5. Buffalo, New York
6. Sarasota, Florida east
7. Greenville, South Carolina
8. Wilmington, North Carolina
9. Indianapolis, Indiana
10. Staten Island, New York

- Sigmund Freud

By this account, I am only half human.

I’m kidding. There is plenty of love in my life. Love of family, love of friends, love of animals. But I must say that when I put on one of my favorite love songs, like say, “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, it doesn’t have the same spark as when I have someone specific in mind.

But the search for this specific someone is so exhausting, and it’s the first thing I will push to the side for something else. For example, as I was recovering from my cleanse ordeal (I am almost 100% better as the glands beneath my throat are now the size of a dime as opposed to a golf ball), I actually had not one, but two (maybe?) great career opportunities fall into my lap. Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen while the fluids in my neck were rapidly expanding the size of my face.

The very first thing I did when I found out I would have to spend my entire weekend working was to push a date I had on my calendar to next week. And I didn’t think twice about it.

I have never taken dating very seriously. If I were to make a list of things I care about, dating would be at the very bottom (next to Kim Kardashian and shaving my legs). There are so many other things on which to focus – family, friends, vocation, health.

In my last relationship, I became obsessed with the little sacrifices. I did his laundry and I brought his shirts to the cleaners. I monitored his eating and hygiene habits. I didn’t know at the time that all of these things would not help my relationship, but hinder it. No one wants to be in a relationship with one’s mother/martyr, and I am afraid I had taken on the role with great aplomb.

So the next time around (if there is a next time at this rate), I will not make so many little sacrifices. I want to maintain my identity, and create more formal boundaries so that history does not repeat itself. I want work and love to be separate, and yet coexisting.

But perhaps my greater problem (if it is a problem?) is that I never see myself making the grand sacrifices that are often required for the health and survival of a relationship. Many friends of mine (still in their early to late 20’s) have already made such sacrifices for their significant others, and this terrifies me. My mother missed out on a fantastic master’s program because of a relationship and she has told me more than once how much she regrets her decision. This shall not happen to me.

But am I overriding my own humanness by denying my need for love (and passion?) just because I’m too lazy to deal with the messiness of human relationships? What would Freud say? (Maybe my anus has something to do with it. That’s what I learned from A Dangerous Method.)

At my root, I think I am just too selfish to make the grand sacrifices for a relationship, and this selfishness stems from two things – being a part of the “me” (or millennial) generation, and taking what all those damn feminists say seriously. If everything I do and say is awesome, and I am not supposed to give an inch of what I want for my prospective partner, then how am I to function as a part of a two person team?

Maybe Freud’s right. I hope aliens stay hermits until the end of their days.

Infograph from here.

1. 56% of men have had sex at work.
Shocker! That means there’s over a one in two chance that your male coworker has gotten down in the office. Pay close attention during next meeting and try to guess who did the nasty.

2. More women talk dirty during sex than men.
Several magazine conducted surveys and found that most dirty talking is performed by women. Gentlemen: get those creative juices flowing!

3. Sex is a natural antihistamine.
Got a stuffy nose? Cure it naturally! No need pop a bunch of allergy pills – and,  being sick isn’t an excuse anymore.

4. You can divorce your partner in 26 states because of impotence.
Over half the states in the USA will allow divorce on the grounds of impotence. All the more reason to keep that sex life up…Cialis anyone?

5. Only 17% of women are likely to orgasm during sex.
Foreplay is much more likely to lead to a woman having an orgasm. Get into it boys, there is a reason we keep asking for it.

6. The average man ejaculates 18 quarts during his lifetime.
On average, men will ejaculate 7200 times in his lifetime, releasing a grand total of over half a trillion spermatozoids. These babies will travel a distance of 3 to 4 inches to fertilize an egg.

7. The average man reaches orgasm in just 2.5 minutes.
Gentlemen, sex is not a race, keep in mind: the average woman takes 12 minutes to reach orgasm. If you think you finish too quickly, you’re probably right.

8. The average erect penis length is 5 inches.
The smallest erect penis length ever recorded is just 1 centimeter. No more complaining about your trouser snake.

9. Men and woman with an active sex life are more likely to live longer.
The average lifespan of a healthy, sexually active person is over 80 years. The study specified that sexual activity includes caressing, foreplay, masturbation, and intercourse.

10. Cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear.
The least popular flavor is chocolate. Why? Because brown stains on underwear doesn’t exactly rhyme with eroticism.

11. Female orgasms can cure headaches.
Climaxing releases endorphins that ease the pain of headaches. Between allergies (see #3) and pain relief, sex is a cure all!

12. Approximately 100 million acts of sex are performed every day.
That’s the equivalent of tweets posted daily on Twitter. Enough said.

13. A pig’s orgasm lasts over 30 minutes.
By comparison, a male orgasm usually lasts just seconds. Oh jealousy!

14. Half an hour of sex burns 200 calories.
One minute of kissing burns 26. Go to the gym or get down in bed – the choice seems pretty obvious here!

15. 30% of women over 80 years old still have active sex lives.
And it is believed that this contributes to their long lives.

The act of sex is just as mysterious as the people we do it with, but the wonders of science are uncovering more and more interesting facts about it every day. And so far, all science points toward “Have more sex!”

As females, we have all come up with these little tricks of the trade. Jenna Marbles, a very popular YouTuber dedicated a whole video and tutorial to explain her move: the stink face. Marbles doesn’t say anything to men trying to pick her up, instead she simply gives them a crazy look until they leave…embarrassed and confused.

And although my personal mode of avoiding awkward situations with men has been foolproof throughout the years, I’m not so blind as to not see the problem: it’s a little immature. Yet I rationalize in my head that I would rather someone think I got mysteriously plucked out of a club by space invaders than have to hear the words: I’m not interested.

Up until recently the thought of just saying what I felt deep in my heart seemed unthinkable, unbearable! Would I want anyone to say that to me? But then I started to think about how many times I’ve given out fake names, numbers, e-mail addresses, and concluded that those actions aren’t any better. If one of the poor schmucks who asked for my information in an earnest attempt to get to know me, called the next day only to meet a dial tone that is even more cruel, right?

So with this newfound realization and with all the good intention my little heart could muster I went out into the world vowing to tell it like it is! If I wasn’t interested in someone I would simply just say no!

Yeah OKAY. I did that. I did that really recently in fact and you know what happened? The dude who I said it to got MAD. Like seriously copped an attitude and kind of got up in my face. He started saying all of this weird stuff about young girls not knowing anything and then in a weird turn of events told me to go home and YouTube SoulTrain…  He was obviously not in the right frame of mind that night and this fact helped my decision to give him a stern, no thank you. THAT IS MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, BUDDY!

This negative first go at being real doesn’t mean I’m going to go back to my former ditch and dash behavior, in fact just the opposite. It has empowered me even more to stand my ground when it comes to men. I go out to talk to people, hang with friends and all in all have a great time. If I meet someone and we mutually like each other, great. But as an open note to everybody out there: if someone isn’t feeling you- back off! And if you aren’t feeling someone else- that’s okay!

Let’s take back our voices ladies (and gentlemen if this happens to you)- it’s about time we got comfortable just saying no!

Danae Matthews writes on her blog Danae’s Corner. Danae’s Corner is featured on the on-line women’s health resource, Women’s Health Base.