To Katie Holmes: We know that dating is probably the last thing on your mind right now. Fortunately for you, we’ve been thinking long and hard about who you should date next. Where do you go after Tom Cruise? Anyway, take your time. But when you’re ready…
James Franco: We think that after spending the last 5 years with someone who’s kind of… intense, it might be a refreshing change of pace to date someone who’s a little more laid back. And Franco is about as laid back as they come. He can barely stand up.
Gabriel Aubry: We’re assuming that you’re into that whole “male model” look. So how about a male model? Not only is Gabriel Aubry aesthetically pleasing, you probably have a lot in common with him. He fathered a child with Halle Berry, so he knows what it’s like to share custody with a super famous crazy person.
John Mayer: Just get it out of your system now. Eventually, you’ll end up dating John Mayer, just like everyone else. It’s a rite of passage.
Ben Gibbard: If you’ve had it with devilishly handsome men, however, consider Ben Gibbard, lead singer of Death Cab For Cutie. Take a break from the Hollywood scene. Plus, Ben knows your pain. He recently split up with Zooey Deschanel. And as a fellow wide-eyed brunette, we think you’re just his type.
Jake Gyllenhaal: He dated Reese Witherspoon and she has TWICE as many kids as you do!
Someone from your hometown: It’s been quite a ride, Katie. Maybe you need to get back to your roots. You’ve probably had enough fame to last you a lifetime. Is there anyone your parents want to set you up with? They’re probably good, sensible Midwesterners. Maybe you should let them take a shot.