Okay, as Woody Allen (and many others) eloquently stated, “The heart wants what it wants”. And as someone who has dated/loved wake-n-bakers and doll collectors, I realize I’m throwing stones in a glass house by pointing out that Sandra shouldn’t have ever fallen for this guy. (Wake-n-baker just heard the word “stones” and got excited). But couldn’t most of us have seen this coming?!
Let’s take a look at some of the signs:
1- His parents actually named him Jesse James, just like the bank robber
That’s like meeting someone named Benedict Arnold and then being surprised that he betrayed you. Or worse…”Hey, I just got set up with some guy. He goes by something, something Hitler? I wonder if he’s cool?”
2- Married a porn star!
Uh, it’s not like Sandra could just say, “Oh my husband hooked up with a porn star once.” She has to instead say “My husband hooked up with a porn star and then he married her. And obviously had unprotected sex with her at least once because they have a child.” What a prince!
3- He uses hair gel even though he hardly has any hair.
I understand that we shouldn’t judge someone based on their looks, but when you’re Sandra Bullock and you like the “bad boys”, why not get with a bad boy who doesn’t look like a cross between Mr. Potato Head and Verne Troyer?
4- Donald Trump fired him.
Alright, I realize this happened after she was married to him, but still he’s a tool and he refused to ask his rich wife for help on “The Celebrity Apprentice”, even though he was supposedly there to raise money for charity. To be fair, according to Wikipedia he did raise 20 grand for the Long Beach Education Foundation, so that’s good. But this was after they were married and she couldn’t have known this would happen. (Wikipedia also says he’s a chump. Okay, no…but I did try to add that to Wikipedia and they said “No.”)
5- He has one tattoo (among many) of an octopus eating a crab and another which allegedly says “Pay up Sucka”
I don’t know about you, but when I think “good man”, I don’t imagine crustaceans and threatening messages about money inked on their very squatty bodies.
In conclusion, I wish for two things with regard to this message:
1- That Sandra up and leaves him for good and finds herself a great guy.
2- That Wikipedia finally accepts my “chump” addition to the Jesse James page.