When Women Want To Be “Just Friends”

Julie Spira is a best-selling author, cyber-dating expert, and radio show host. She is the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and hosts the weekly radio show, “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert”. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com where singles and couples can share their online dating stories.

Reader question #1: She wants to be “just friends”
I was dating a girl for 3 months and she suddenly told me that she wanted to focus on her career right now and that she just wasn’t prepared to get serious.

I thought things were going well between us, but she said that she just wants to be friends for now.

Can you please tell me what’s going on here? Is it possible I did something to turn her off? I’m 28, she’s 26 and we both have great jobs and make good money, so we had a great time together. Sometimes she paid, sometimes I did, but I don’t think that’s a factor.

We had sex for the first time one week before she left me. Could that be it?

Please help.


Dating expert, Julie Spira’s answer:
Hi Dirk,

The famous “let’s be friends” conversation. It happens to us all at some point in our romantic history. Three months into a relationship is the critical time where you either move forward to a steadier and exclusive arrangement or it fizzles out.

When you are in your 20s, having a career focus is a priority. However, if the conversation happened shortly after the first time you had sex, she might have been disappointed. Perhaps the chemistry wasn’t there for her under the sheets.

Telling someone you want to be friends only after being intimate is either a kind way of letting you down or a way to keep the door open in case her options don’t work out with another potential beau.

My suggestion is to move on. Find someone who, after the honeymoon period is over, is just as excited if not more in spending time with you in months 3 to 6, as she was in the first three months. If your girl comes crawling back, you just might not be available for her any more.


Reader question #2: Suspicious about boyfriend
I met a guy online and we have been dating for a year – the thing is, I have never been to his home, nor have I ever met any of his family or friends. We make plans on big days like Valentine’s Day and Christmas, then he cancels at the last minute citing work issues.

Am I right to be suspicious about him? I asked him if he was married, but he insists that he is not and that it really is all about work. He told me he is in the midst of moving into a new place and once he does, I will get a key to this place. Should I believe him?


Dating expert, Julie Spira’s answer:
Hi Tammy,

You are dating the “classic player”. This guy comes in and out of your life, makes plans to take you on romantic dates and perhaps even on romantic vacations. He lives in a fantasy world filled with women he would like to bed.

He promises love, exclusivity, and a future. Suddenly, as the day draws closer, he disappears and makes excuses that the dog ate his paper when he doesn’t have any pets. He uses work and family commitments as excuses. He becomes vague and secretive.

Sometimes he will leave you messages whispering in order to not be heard. He will get caught in lies. He will double book vacations with you and another woman and forget that he had asked you first.

When a man is crazy about a woman, nothing gets in the way of Valentine’s Day. He knows that it’s show time on the most romantic day of the year. Even if he is seeing multiple women, if you are number one, you’ll be in his arms on February 14th.

When a man won’t introduce you to his family, he is hiding something. It could be a wife, a girlfriend, or you could be one in his harem. He isn’t interested in bringing a different flavor to the party each time.

Unless you want to continue with the roller coaster of emotions and wait for him to come around on a full-time basis, run from this guy now. He will never commit to you. He most likely has a string of ex girlfriends who he contacts when he wants to have a booty call. It feeds his ego and only causes hurt feelings for you.

Even if he isn’t married, he isn’t commitment material. Don’t wait for the key to arrive; it may not unlock his door, ever.

Find someone whose actions are consistent and who keeps his word.

Good luck with your search. There are over 100 million visitors to online dating sites now. Surely there will be one who will make you a priority.

  • Kat

    Julie hit the nail on the head. I once broke up with someone after the first time with a similar excuse. My attraction fizzled once things got intimate.

  • http://www.onlinedatingmatchmaker.com russruggles

    Ouch, that’s a big bummer, but I agree – the chemistry must not have been there, so definitely move on.