What you Need to Know about Men and Women After Sex
I recently published a romantic-comedy novel called, “How Long You Should Wait to Have Sex”, about a girl who gets to go back in time and have a “do-over” every time she has sex with the man of her dreams too soon. The main character is a publicist, and she decides to take on a client who is a sexologist—in part because she wants to pick his brain about why sex is causing her guy to run away all the time. In the interest of accuracy, I did a fair amount of research on sexology—which is the study of love, lust, and biology, as it relates to the hormonal and chemical reactions associated with sex and dating situations.
What I learned was fascinating. Basically, to sum it simply, men produce an overabundance of dopamine before sex, which causes them to do all the things that most people refer to as “thinking with his dick.” He’ll court, he’ll flatter, he’ll stumble through a field of razors to get you to like him the way he likes you… The problem is that after sex, the dopamine build up is released from his system, causing him to go back to his pre-arousal, clear headed, “thinking with his brain” state of mind. The bigger problem is that simultaneously, the woman who has just had sex gets an influx of a chemical called oxytocin into her brain, which causes her to feel an over-the-top attachment or bonding with the man, just at the moment when he is coming down off of his drug, and realizing that he doesn’t feel nearly as bonded to the woman as his little head had previously lead him to believe. It’s ironic, and sad for women, but it’s just another way in which biology is trying to screw women. (Hello, menstrual cycle!)
So now, when people try to argue that it doesn’t matter how long you wait to have sex, and you should do it whenever you want to, I think they are right. You should do it whenever you want to… But I don’t think that women are always honest with themselves about whether or not they are ready to deal with the fallout of it. I think a lot of women want to emulate men, and jump into bed, and not care—because let’s face it, being able to have lots of sex and walk away without feeling anything would be kind of awesome. The problem is that biologically, we can’t.
How often have you said to yourself, “That guy is hot, he has nothing in common with me, he’s perfect for a one night stand!” only to wake up the next day and wonder if he’s going to call you. Hell, I’ve even gone as far as to consider what our kids might look like—and this is with a guy that I had previously determined that I didn’t want a relationship with, back when I was in my pre-sex, clear-headed state of mind!
Now imagine that you jumped into bed with a guy you really like? Based purely on biology, he starts to detach from you and act differently, right at the moment when you are feeling closer to him than ever. I’m sorry, but that would hurt anybody with a heart. So maybe it’s worth it to wait until you know how he feels about you?
I’m not saying that guys don’t also get attached to women, but what I’m saying is that biologically, for guys, attachment isn’t related to sex. If they are already attached to a woman on an emotional level, the sex will intensify that feeling for them. But if they are only feeling lust, then sex will often cure them of their ailment for you.
So on a fundamental, biological level, that’s why sex is such a higher risk proposition for women than it is for men… because no matter how nonchalantly women go into it, they come out the other side with unsolicited emotions. And no matter how unwanted those emotions may be, if they aren’t reciprocated, it’s gonna sting a little bit.
If you liked Monique’s post she’s giving away free copies of her book “How Long You Should Wait to Have Sex” for Kindle e-readers tomorrow (Tuesday the 9th) to Thursday the 11th of July.
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