Steve Nakamoto served over 5 years as iVillage.com’s Mr. Answer Man relationship expert where he helped women from around the world figure out the men in their love lives from an honest, male perspective. He is the Writer’s Digest Award-winning author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man, Dating Rocks! The 21 Smartest Moves Women Make For Love, and Talk Like A Winner! 21 Simple Rules For Achieving Everyday Communication Success. Visit his website at SteveNakamoto.com.
Reader Question: Slowly became a sex relationship
I started dating “Caleb” 3 months ago and things started out wonderfully. We would go on dates and have a great time laughing and talking. Somehow, though, the relationship sort of turned into middle of the night booty calls and now I find myself in the midst of a full on sexual relationship with no substance.
He never calls, we never date and there’s no friendship. He just calls for sex and then is off on his merry way. Is there some way to salvage this relationship and get him to like me for more than just sex?
Dating expert Steve Nakamoto’s answer:
If he never calls, never ask you out for a date, and there is no friendship, then you don’t really have a mutually-fulfilling love relationship.
What you do have is a limited part-time sex-only relationship. Maybe this indicates that you have very little in common and don’t resonate very well on an every day conversational basis.
My guess is that he does not get the “impression of increase” from you. What that means is that his life doesn’t feel significantly better by spending significant quality time with you. He only sees value for him by spending small doses of time doing a high-intensity self-indulgent activity like sex with you. This, of course, is not a soul-connecting enriching experience of love. It is just a simple thrill that will probably be short-lived and limited in value.
Right now, he has the upper hand in that he controls the situation in the way that suits him best. You probably don’t offer any kind of resistance to his wishes so that he mistakenly believes that it works just as well for you.
The only way for this to change is if you gain the upper hand from time to time. That comes from having just as much or more to offer than he does. Then you must be able to boldly say “no” or walk away from the situation without any pain, fear of loss or negativity.
If you can create an emotional shift in him, then your relationship can change over the short-term. Saying “no” and being able to walk away can present a sort of challenge to him and he may want to win you over again. But if you can’t create an emotional shift, then nothing is likely to change and love will not progress or grow.
However, if you want to create a deeper love connection with a man like this who gets plenty of attention and has his emotional need for significance already filled, then you must embody something that he can’t get. (Note: This may take an entire seminar in itself to explain) In a nutshell, it’s about being the kind of woman who is a unique source of joy, beauty, wisdom, and peace in any kind of situation.
The Bottom Line
Being a feisty “hottie” is a great way to attract desirable men. But in order to create a lasting desire in men, an enlightened woman must also embody the character traits of a “Sweetie,” “Pal,” and “Person” of unique value.