Why Can’t I Get A Second Date?

Why can't I get a second date?

Why can't I get a second date?

Susan J. Elliott is a motivational speaker, grief therapist, expert commentator, attorney, popular blogger, and author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Breakup Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You.

Reader question #1: Can’t get second dates
I can’t seem to land a second date with any woman I go out with. I am good-looking and charming enough to get the first date, so what could I possibly be doing wrong on the actual date that women seem to shun me once it’s over with?

I am courteous, a good conversationalist. the only thing I could think of is that when a woman offers to pay, I let her. Could that be it? Can you just give me some tips on what to do on a first date to ensure more dates after that?


Susan J Elliott’s answer:
Dear Phil:

This is Dating 101. And you’re failing it.

First Date: The man pays. Period.

First of all, my advice is to women. Ladies please do not ever offer to pay on a first date. Ever.

Second of all, why would a man allow a woman to pay on a first date? I think that you need to re-evaluate this. You say you are courteous, but if you have asked a woman out on a date, it is courteous to pay for that date.

The deeper question for me is, why don’t you know this? What is it about you that allows you to let women pay on a first date? Are you cheap? Are you just completely out-of-touch with dating etiquette? Do you think it’s “okay” or in the name of “equality”?

It’s not okay and there are many ways in which women are not yet equal and men aren’t helping them out. Men were more than happy to stop being chivalrous by giving up a seat or allowing women on elevators first.

But men don’t seem to be “giving” anything in the equality department, just taking. There is still a long way to go before things are completely equal, and until such time, men should be paying for the first date since they are most often the ones who ask.

I also think they should pay for the second and a woman would be advised to offer to pay for a tip or if at the movies, popcorn on the third date, but she still should not pay for all of it or even most of it.

First date: conversationalist

Are you sure you’re a good conversationalist? What do you talk about? How does your date respond to what you talk about? There are a few things that ensure good conversation on a first date:

1. Learn to sit back and be quiet for a while if you’re the one who is very loquacious. If you’re shy, then try to initiate some topics.
2. Never talk about your ex or the horror show relationships you’ve been in.
3. Don’t talk about your terrible childhood, your former addiction to cocaine or the patch on your arm that may or may not be cancer.
4. Keep things light. Listen to what is being said. This is not only to show interest in your partner but to access who he or she is. If you’re always talking you can’t be listening too closely.
5. Allow silences that are comfortable. Sometimes on a date, people are so busy rushing to talk to fill the silence that they become uncomfortable in the endless banter. You should be able to allow some time for breathing room and just being relaxed.

I don’t know if these two things will ensure more second dates, but they’re a start!!

What do you do when the ex just won’t leave? Read on >>

  • http://life-love-and-online-dating.com Tiffany

    It’s interesting that you question how the reader “doesn’t know this” about a man paying for the first date “period” when in fact there is significant disagreement on this issue. It’s a tough guessing game for men, as I have as many female friends who are offended when a man insists on paying (or assumes that he’ll be paying) as I do female friends who expect him to pay. A man can go badly wrong (wrong enough to ensure that there is no second date) no matter which way he goes with this one, depending on the woman’s view.

  • Annette

    I think it’s significant that some of the women offer to pay. When I was single and dated a fair amount, I would sometimes offer (or almost insist) on paying for my meal on a first date when I felt certain that we would be only be friends, when I felt certain that I would not accept another date with him. I think I just felt like I didn’t want him to spend money on my dinner or whatever, and maybe I didn’t want to feel obligated to him. When I would offer to pay my share on a first date, I had pretty much made up my mind we would never be more than friends. So maybe that’s where some of these ladies are coming from.

    When I liked a guy and felt like a relationship was possible, I felt very comfortable letting him pay for dates, and me just offering to leave the tip, etc.

    I viewed first dates pretty open mindedly; I accepted most all invitations and didn’t pre-judge the guy or the situation. First dates for me were opportunities to get to know someone, have a good time doing something; and some morphed into friendships and a treasured few developed into romantic relationships.

    I rarely went out a second time with a guy who seemed to have set ideas about a future relationship before we had a chance to get to know one another.

  • Tom

    So, basically what Tiffany is saying, is that (many) women are stupid. They are bound in this complex, self-initiated web of insecurity which they mask as feminism.

    Reader: Unless you feel like being demasculated in your future relationships by a misinformed woman who proclaims that there is no difference between sexes, you should always insist on paying for the first date. If the woman won’t let you, then fine, let her foot her part of the bill. Then send her off on her way.

    That said, there is a not-so-fine line between a woman forcing the issue of payment, and offering to pay. If a woman doesn’t at least offer to pay for *something* by the end of the 2nd date (though preferably during the first), you should kiss her goodbye too. And in dismissing her, you can be certain that she will be calling Daddy for more money and gifts later that night. Let him deal with his princess.

    Solid, stable women — the ones worth dating and eventually marrying — are somewhere in between these extremes.

  • Tom

    Annette — You seem to have your head on straight much moreso than some of Tiffany’s friends. The problem, of course, is that a first date should never include food (or at least not anything too expensive). As you (correctly) argue, a first date is about getting to *know* someone — not dropping an arm and a leg on an expensive evening. Save that for women you are into after having had at least a couple dates (or even just one, if your gut so tells you).

    A first date should be over a couple of drinks, some coffee, or just a walk in the park. If you’re hungry, share a plate of nachos while you chat.