I have a confession to make.
I have never been in a relationship on the holidays.
And every Christmas, this song kills me:
I blame my lesbian fourth grade teacher for playing it in an endless loop in November and December of 1995. Mariah Carey was so young, so innocent back then, wasn’t she? Before she became obsessed with “thuggin’” and acting like she was suddenly black? That Tommy Mottola may have locked her in a room for their entire marriage, but he was much better at choosing her material than she is (except for The Emancipation of Mimi which was really due to L.A. Reid).
This Christmas is different. That song usually pains me because the past few years, there has been someone I would like for Christmas. Last year it was a coworker. The year before that, it was different coworker (see a trend?). This year however, I have zero coworkers = zero crushes. Nothing. Zip. I can’t even bring myself to go on an OkCupid date before the year ends. Why pretend that anything will change between now and New Years?
So instead, I have decided to create of list of ways that a single woman like myself (single men have it soooo much easier) can deflect all those annoying questions around the holidays. Thanksgiving is round one (I survived), Christmas is round two, and if you can make it to New Years, you’re gonna be alright, champ!
So, if anyone asks, “So, are you seeing anyone?” or anything of the like, here is a handy list of rebuttals:
- Half of all marriages end in divorce. So all those friends of mine already married? Half of them will be divorced in five years. And I will laugh. HA HA HA! You can take your happy wedding Facebook photos and shove them up your ass!
- Remind them that the average age of marriage in the US is 28 for men, 26 for women. (I got like three whole months to take care of that, Mom. Plenty of time.)
- 95% of crime against women is perpetrated by husbands/boyfriends. Single gals like me are so much safer than the taken ones!
- Relationships/marriage = being sexually active and the side of effects of the pill and almost all other forms of contraception are nauseating (literally). Also, according to Republicans, you know what form of birth control is 100% effective? Abstinence. No abortions/babies pour moi! Thanks Rick Perry!
- No, I am not a lesbian. Seriously Mom, I mean it.
- No really, I LIKE BOYS THEY JUST DON’T LIKE ME!
- Isaac Newton died a virgin
- MAYBE YOU’RE THE LESBIAN
- Phew! Hey remember my ex? Remember what a loser he was?
- I’m holding out for the one! THE ONEEEEEEEEEEEE! And until then, I will not shave my legs, get bikini waxes, and I will stuff myself with brownies at any chance I get! Suckers!
That should shut my mother, er, I mean, them up!
In conclusion, being a single girl is the best excuse to get drunk that ever existed (ignore what that ignorant twerp over at Glamour said.) When in doubt, head for the table of booze you didn’t pay for (because you are a poor, lowly single girl) and drink up!
Next year in Jerusalem! Oh shit, I’ve started early this year…
Happy Holidays!