We all know the old adage, “nobody can love you until you love yourself.”

Well the same is true of seduction. No one is going to be seduced by you—no matter how hard you try—unless you think you’re worthy of seducing them. At the risk of sounding like a L’Oreal ad, you need to feel worth it; nobody’s going to believe that you can be a seductress if you don’t believe it first.

And the same applies if you fast forward to the end of the night. No one will fuck you unless you would fuck yourself (figuratively).

The art of seduction begins with seducing yourself.

First, and it should go without saying, you need to be confident. In the wise words of a friend of mine, “it needs to be an insecurity-free time, even if you’re only moonlighting in confidence-land.” You need to feel like you are the shit, that everyone should want a piece of you. If you really have the confidence that you can walk into a room and people will notice you, they will. The same way dogs smell fear, guys smells confidence. Guys want the girl that thinks she can have anybody, because if she can have anybody and she picks him, it makes him, by consequence, the most desirable man in the room.

Make sure you feel—and look—impeccable. This means your go-to sexy hair, your perfect make up, and that outfit that highlights your best asset without making you uncomfortable. You don’t want to be tugging at a short skirt or sucking in for a tight dress—you want to be effortlessly sexy in what you’re wearing. Plus constantly fixing your clothes gives the impression that you’re insecure about how you look, which defeats rule number one.

Put on your sexiest panties. Or none at all. It doesn’t matter if the object of your seduction will see them or not; the point, again, is that you want to feel sexy. Just knowing you’re wearing them (or not) will add a little je ne sais quoi to your confidence, the way you move.

A garter belt. The old fashioned kind that clips onto stockings. Like the panties (or lack thereof), the garter belt reminds you that you have something sexy going on that nobody else knows about. It’s a little secret that you have with yourself. And possibly a sexy surprise if your seduction ends successfully. If you don’t have a garter belt—and don’t have time to buy one—regular old thigh-highs will do. But the real thing adds a little oomph.

Keep condoms, lube, and even a little vibrator in your purse. You don’t need to use them, and no one else needs to know you have them. But you know you have them. And you know that you could use them, if it came to that. It’ll give you a bit of a brazen edge, add a twinge of aggressiveness to your seduction.

Don’t look like you’re trying too hard. It’s a slippery slope from looking confident to looking desperate, so know what line you shouldn’t cross. It’s the same difference between wanting something and needing something. Or in this case, someone.

The takeaway from this is “have a sexy secret,” and “make sure they know you know you’re sexy.”

 If you make them think they should want you, they will.

 What are your seduction secrets?

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